Debrief meal at The Federal store 

The debrief meal. Nausea, headaches, residual intoxication, guilt and shame blend together to serve as the most important meal of the week. It has the potential to provide the antidote for the hangover that threatens to paralyze you or turn you into a dissatisfied 2 year old saturated with food envy at your friends choice of meal. It is an emotional roller-coaster ride, as you go over the night’s antics and wrong-doings while you decide on the meal that will make or break you.

The venue for this week’s debrief is The Federal Store in New Plymouth. I’ve heard rumors it was the best café in town, I’ll be the judge of that.  Everyone was particularly seedy today because of tequila shots backed by a foundation of byo wine (lone star blog next!) so there was pressure to perform.  The first thing that struck me was that I couldn’t get in the main door, I tried for a long time to open it before someone pointed out the sign “use side door”, unbelievable, sort your door out federal. Pfft, I’m not going to mention stuff about the setting now. I’m not going to take about the extensive cake selection offered at Federal Store either because those things don’t belong in a debrief meal.

There are some intriguing items on the fed’s menu which delivers some buzzyness to the café e.g brunch quesadilla, mince on toast, eggs benedict. It took a while for the waiter to realise we were outside and we had to prompt them to come outside. It was good in the end because then it gave time to actually read the menus and for our hungover group to actually make a decision. Too often the service comes over and asks if your ready to order and when you have just opened your menus. However no matter how long the service takes there is always one person who hasn’t made their mind up and gets flustered when it’s their turn to order. What usually follows is a barrage of unnecessary questions e.g what are you getting? Does it contain gluten? I was surprised at my decisiveness and opt for the brunch quesadilla. I also got a side of fries because they are the tits when you’re hung.

The next order of affairs is the liquid situation. I had a mouth that could prepare a piece of wood for painting and there was no water on the table! First the door, now no water, this quesadilla better be foodgasmic. My flat white I had ordered initially arrived with a underwhelming heart design in the milk froth, I got a fern once which was wayyy better. good coffee though, beans were really shining through the milky goodness. My friend who had ordered 4 different drinks due to her demanding illogical palate gave me a try of her spicy tomato juice. She had taken the liberty and added tabasco sauce. Weird craving to have when your hung, it was like mixing sunburn with sandpaper. I would not be ordering one.

My brunch quesadilla actually arrived quickly; good considering the place was packed. It was immense. I was impressed. A giant quesadilla stuffed with beans, spud and cheese topped of with bacon and eggs. It had all the great components of brunch parceled nicely in a savory Mexican scrotum. If they had sausages as well I would have fainted from ecstasy. I was chuffed with my choice, no food envy for me!

It was actually quite an effort to get through the meal. I usually hoof down these meals faster than a virgin with Scarlett Johansen, but this one was taking longer  than a drunk guy who can barely get it up. It tasted great. It was cooked well. The beans and cheese and potato oozing out of the quesadilla actually looked like I had cut into a bloody abscess, but tasted anything but. The whole mixture of bacon, eggs, tortilla, beans, cheese and potato was like I just had a line of cocaine in Mexico and then the drug lord himself served me breakfast.  I finished it, was completely satisfied. I didn’t have to eat for another 2 hours, epic!

The debrief was over. Bellies were protruding, headaches subsiding, membranes rehydrating. After a rocky start they really had delivered as a hangover busting, palate exciting original brunch experience. I will hope to return one day once they sort that god dam door out.

Rating

Service- 2/5

Taste-5/6

Presentation- 4/5

Setting-2/5 

Overall 13/20

Until next time! (hopefully won’t be 2 years this time)

Larry