Lone Star BYO

The BYO.

Mysterious meat on top of rice or noodles, red wine for the guys, white for the girls, progressively louder and incomprehensible conversation, awkward chat with random people who came along with their friends and the sly gesture of placing a coin into your friend’s wine glass gifting them an obligatory scull creates a memorable (for some) once a monthly alternative to the usual flat pre-drinks. What begins as a civilized evening worthy of the duchess’s presence quickly transitions to an evening not fit for Len Brown.

When my friend told me that he was having a BYO at Lone Star I was skeptical from the get go. I tend to associate BYO’s with Asian restaurants with meat straight from the spca that turned a blind eye to the ensuring chaos. My memory of Lone Star was a family restaurant that served giant carcasses of meat surrounded by boulders of buffalo potatoes. Was it desperate to attract a new breed of customer? Maybe they are over the hungus family birthday dinners? I was actually nervous about how their giant meals would mix with my giant serving of wine.

Wine choice at a BYO is essential. You want a wine that will enhance your meal experience and augment the flavors on offer. I arrive at Lone Star with a fine Hawke’s Bay Pinot Noir. It cost me 10.99. Gone are the days of the tasteless $6.99 bottle, sigh… I am growing up. I felt this enriching full-bodied wine would compliment the American cuisine well and because white wine to me tastes like an old ladies urinary tract infection. Pinot Noir I find is not as heavy as a merlot and a lot less earthy which is vital if a coin so happens to find its way into your glass.

We arrive at the American joint full of western paraphernalia and realise that by some miracle had booked the numbers were exactly right for once. I swear this has never happened at a BYO before. Despite this I was seated in the middle of two semi-circles. Why they arranged four circular tables together bewildered me, oblongs work so much better for shuffling round for the people who turn up late. Amateurs.

We received our menus and I am immediately impressed with the variety on offer but the simplicity of it all. It was refreshing not having to decipher through 7000 different options scattered over 20 pages and, where the only real difference is rice or noodles. The ribs immediately stand out to me; I have fond memories of the ribs. It is a graveyard stack of succulent, tender, good meat to rib ratio saucy goodness. However eating your way through this ribcage is about as glamorous as a blind hyena learning to eat a carcass for the first time.  I decide like the rest of the group to order the stir-crazy sirloin, (medium-rare) of course the 250gram option instead of the 350grams. Why I did this I will never know, maybe I panicked at the attraction of the waitress and the on the spot ordering, whatever the reason the table definitely did not let me forget my foolish uncharacteristic choice of the lighter option.

Dinner arrived at a good time as the conversation volume and laughter was increasing by the minute. I even think there was a couple of deep and meaningfuls going on already. A blunting of the wine was definitely needed to delay the dremos (emotional drunks) coming out. My thick 250gram sirloin covered in creamy mushroom sauce with a side of coleslaw and buffalo potatoes arrived. I felt like a ravenous dog waiting to eat, but was a good boy and waited for everyone else’s dishes to arrive. I politely ripped into my steak and saw that it was cooked medium, not medium rare. Unbelievable. I swear everyone always orders medium rare, so it should be a piece of meat right? Apparently not. Likely the euphoria from my delicious wine offset this and I chowed through it nonetheless.

The steak tasted like your standard restaurant steak, I ate it too fast and I was slightly intoxication to give more details about it sorry.  The mushroom sauce was delicious, it had the consistency of semen which was a good thing, and didn’t let the butter in it shine through too much. Side salads at restaurants are never exciting, they just put the ratty rocket leaves with various other shavings to balance the meal. This salad was a different story, it was tasty well dressed coleslaw (always better!) with little pine nuts amongst it. I felt like a starving chipmunk coming across nuts in winter, they were so good.

Having finished the meal in a polite 4 minutes, there was no doubt I could finish the 350gram option. However eating that entire meal and trying to polish off my wine as well would have been like flushing gelatin done a toilet. I was comfortable, I felt like I had eaten a nice meal at my parent’s house and was ready to sneak out to the party with some rocket fuel.  It definitely beat the feeling I had post-Indian BYO where the alcohol and curry seemed to react like napalm in my abdomen.

The substantial meals are enjoyed by all and helped prevent any BYO insensibilities. Unlike Asian BYO’s where the level of drunkenness rises faster than a 15 year olds penis in the morning, this was a more controlled environment with a smoother ride to the land of blurriness.  Either that or we are just more mature now, probably the former. The staff, efficient and cheery tolerated us well and even smiled when the inevitable broken glass occurred.

With the meal over, it was time to make the ataxic stumble into town. All the payments were made and like every BYO $30 was still left to pay. The best thing about Lone Star is that it is in close proximity to the good home, the ideal place to cut shapes amongst horny 40 year olds and rugby “number ones”. Lone Star is a great alternative for a BYO venue. Simple American cuisine washed down with glorious red wine provides the perfect foundation for that 3am crowded house/our place creep.

Cheers guys

Next up- The Bellagio buffet in Las Vegas!

Larry

Debrief meal at The Federal store 

The debrief meal. Nausea, headaches, residual intoxication, guilt and shame blend together to serve as the most important meal of the week. It has the potential to provide the antidote for the hangover that threatens to paralyze you or turn you into a dissatisfied 2 year old saturated with food envy at your friends choice of meal. It is an emotional roller-coaster ride, as you go over the night’s antics and wrong-doings while you decide on the meal that will make or break you.

The venue for this week’s debrief is The Federal Store in New Plymouth. I’ve heard rumors it was the best café in town, I’ll be the judge of that.  Everyone was particularly seedy today because of tequila shots backed by a foundation of byo wine (lone star blog next!) so there was pressure to perform.  The first thing that struck me was that I couldn’t get in the main door, I tried for a long time to open it before someone pointed out the sign “use side door”, unbelievable, sort your door out federal. Pfft, I’m not going to mention stuff about the setting now. I’m not going to take about the extensive cake selection offered at Federal Store either because those things don’t belong in a debrief meal.

There are some intriguing items on the fed’s menu which delivers some buzzyness to the café e.g brunch quesadilla, mince on toast, eggs benedict. It took a while for the waiter to realise we were outside and we had to prompt them to come outside. It was good in the end because then it gave time to actually read the menus and for our hungover group to actually make a decision. Too often the service comes over and asks if your ready to order and when you have just opened your menus. However no matter how long the service takes there is always one person who hasn’t made their mind up and gets flustered when it’s their turn to order. What usually follows is a barrage of unnecessary questions e.g what are you getting? Does it contain gluten? I was surprised at my decisiveness and opt for the brunch quesadilla. I also got a side of fries because they are the tits when you’re hung.

The next order of affairs is the liquid situation. I had a mouth that could prepare a piece of wood for painting and there was no water on the table! First the door, now no water, this quesadilla better be foodgasmic. My flat white I had ordered initially arrived with a underwhelming heart design in the milk froth, I got a fern once which was wayyy better. good coffee though, beans were really shining through the milky goodness. My friend who had ordered 4 different drinks due to her demanding illogical palate gave me a try of her spicy tomato juice. She had taken the liberty and added tabasco sauce. Weird craving to have when your hung, it was like mixing sunburn with sandpaper. I would not be ordering one.

My brunch quesadilla actually arrived quickly; good considering the place was packed. It was immense. I was impressed. A giant quesadilla stuffed with beans, spud and cheese topped of with bacon and eggs. It had all the great components of brunch parceled nicely in a savory Mexican scrotum. If they had sausages as well I would have fainted from ecstasy. I was chuffed with my choice, no food envy for me!

It was actually quite an effort to get through the meal. I usually hoof down these meals faster than a virgin with Scarlett Johansen, but this one was taking longer  than a drunk guy who can barely get it up. It tasted great. It was cooked well. The beans and cheese and potato oozing out of the quesadilla actually looked like I had cut into a bloody abscess, but tasted anything but. The whole mixture of bacon, eggs, tortilla, beans, cheese and potato was like I just had a line of cocaine in Mexico and then the drug lord himself served me breakfast.  I finished it, was completely satisfied. I didn’t have to eat for another 2 hours, epic!

The debrief was over. Bellies were protruding, headaches subsiding, membranes rehydrating. After a rocky start they really had delivered as a hangover busting, palate exciting original brunch experience. I will hope to return one day once they sort that god dam door out.

Rating

Service- 2/5

Taste-5/6

Presentation- 4/5

Setting-2/5 

Overall 13/20

Until next time! (hopefully won’t be 2 years this time)

Larry

Carnivores in Nariobi, Kenya

I had to blog about this place.

When I was looking for some animals in Africa, I had the opportunity to go to a restaurant called carnivores. It specialised in a large selection of meat and was all you can eat! This restaurant was a winner and I hadn’t even been to it yet.

Walking into this dining heaven I am confronted by an animal on a spit. I am used to the odd pig on a spit, but this was something else. They had stuck a whole cow on a spit! The kitchen area was ridiculous. Meat was dangling everywhere like some sort of glorious decoration, there were massive skewers of meat cooking everywhere. It was a bbq on steroids. The setting was incredible, I felt like Hansel in a meat version of a gingerbread house. Isn’t that a terrible story, you have a dysfunctional family that dumps their children in the woods, the equivalent of a dumpster, they are then found by a cannibalistic witch, who is then outwitted and burnt in her own fire! What kind of story is that for young children! Anyway…

Once seated at the table we are told that we are allowed to eat as much meat as we want of and when you are finished you put the flag at your end of the table up. Like some sort of surrender flag. Really though after seeing the beast at the front door, there was no winning here, unless you were a human sized shrew.

Our first dish surprisingly wasn’t meat, it was soup and bread. Just a dish to warm us up, but not what we were here for. A massive debate raged between by logical brain who wanted to preserve precious stomach space and my illogical stomach who had a 3am Saturday night persona and just wanted a feed. The stomach won.

Then it came. The meat. The waiters brought round massive skewers of meat which they would carve onto your plate. It was entertaining and absolutely glorious. We were served a massive array of meat all prepared in different ways and all with a complimentary sauce – chicken (garlic), pork (fruit salsa), ostrich (wildberry), turkey (wildberry), crocodile (garlic), gizzard (garlic) , lamb (mint), ox balls (garlic) and good old beef (tikka masala) and liver (garlic) from some animal. Tikka malasa was the best, that sauce went with everything. For those who like to have a ‘complete’ meal, there was a selection of salads beneath the sauces. But like Christmas time at home where meat predominates they were not going to make an appearance on my plate today. The place was called carnivores not omnivores.

The variety was impressive and made for an interesting afternoon of eating. First we got to try a bit of everything. Can’t say I was a fan of the crocodile- that tasted like chicken and a fish’s offspring. I had never tried ostrich before and I must say I was impressed, they came in the form of meatballs which is always fun and had a rich beefy taste balanced by the wildberry sauce that accompanied it. Gizzard-not even sure what the fuck that is, and its taste and texture only added to the mystery. It had a rubbery consistency like you find with squid or calamari and were really chewy, with a subtle liver like taste to them, very weird. At these kind of events you gotta eat some balls, and these ones I didn’t enjoy at all, they had a texture that reminded of pate and I swear they would taste like chicken if you didn’t know you were eating balls.

My favourite was actually the turkey. They carve us off large beautiful slices of the stuff and it was cooked to a glorious white perfection.

After trying everything, the next part of the meal is about survival. I was determined to not only to make my money’s worth, but to be the last one standing. The waiters were determined to see me surrender early, with each successive serving being larger than the last. The meat was always scrumptious, but after a while I started to despise the look of it. I think it was a defensive mechanism from my stomach. One dude went to far and put a large potato on my plate! Apparently the winner of the table had to finish the meal with a whole spud. For me that was like drinking the tequila last in a slammer, but instead of drinking it, sucking it through your nose.

After a like 7 rounds of meat servings there was only two of use left, Logan and me. I wasn’t in a good state. I was sweating, becoming nauseated and trembling. It was like meat fever. It was dire. I tried massaging meat out of my stomach like a tube of toothpaste but my small bowel objected loudly, seems like the lanky bugger was working overtime. I had honestly eaten enough meat to satisfy a male lion with some leftover to feed the rest of the pride.

After what seemed like a lifetime I gave in to the relentless waiters. I gave the victory away sadly to Logan a deserving winner. That was not before I ate the spud. Now that was a battle. I don’t even think finishing a marathon could compete with that harrowing experience. I went through all that for nothing really, just a painful stomach worthy of a surgical consult and stools the next day that could block a pipeline from shell.

Somehow in all of this I ate desert. It always seems that you have room for that course. It just squeezes itself in like a Mongolian contortionist.

I managed to walk out of this place, but it wasn’t pretty. I couldn’t straighten up so I looked like a old man, or a pregnant woman with a ‘food baby’ as one of my tour mates cleverly described. Proper exit though, I wasn’t there to fuck spiders.

So if you are in Kenya at anytime I would highly recommend this restaurant. Even if you are a vegetarian because the delicious meat might make you change your mind for the better. They focus on one thing and they execute it well.

Rating

setting-5/5 (in africa and a big as cow on the spit, cant compete really)

Taste-5/6 meat always tastes good

presentation- 5/5

service- 4/5-They carve you your meat! couple of drink orders went astray though.

total-18.5/21

I do love meat so this rating may have some bias.

cheers

Larry

GP meeting in New Plymouth at the Plymouth hotel

Finally a meeting with free food! Couldn't wait to see what was on offer. Was interesting as it was in New Plymouth at the spectacular Plymouth hotel, the psych dudes were really putting it on for us. Walking into the hotel I was reminded of school balls and 21sts I had attended there, doing dance moves more cringe than if John Key hit the d-floor. Now I was entering this place with a bunch of mature doctor people who discuss things like ACC and bureaucracy whatever that means. What happened to me? Even the food had matured, fries and chicken bits have been replaced with blue cheese and grapes. There was even wine and beer on offer, no need for a hip flask anymore!

Sadly the Plymouth hotel collapsed worse than the black caps. The food on offer were some tuna rolls, but rolled in white bread, not fancy wraps. The sauce to fish ratio was high as well, luckily the sauce was delicious so was unphazed. There was a plate of fruit, just your standard grapes, melon and apple slices. Not sure what the apple slices were doing there tho, we aren’t in preschool for god’s sake, everything looked so sophisticated until I saw that immature mistake. There was also your token dish of hot fried food that always turns up at these kind of free food events. This dish is really the decider it make or breaks the offering. Tonight there were small wonton things. Not enough meat and too small, and not crispy. I would have chicken bits any day. The sweet and sour sauce attempted to save them but failed worse than Phil Goff. The beer on offer was export gold, and DB. Good brews if you are at the cricket, but here you really need green bottle beers, geez.

So pretty poor from the psych team and Plymouth hotel. Not even a sweets dish which I always thought was stock standard. Some wraps, some sort of chicken and slices would of improved it greatly. I was hoping for the Hilton but got the YHA. Maybe growing up ain’t that great.

Being a new year I thought I’d change the rating system as the other one was quite complex and hard to understand. The new one incorporates taste, integrity, variety, appropriateness (does the food relate to the event) and presentation

Taste- 2/5

Integrity-1/3

Variety-1/4

Appropriateness- 2/5

Presentation-2/4

So got a few other blogs in the pipeline they shouldn’t be far away

Cheers

Larry.

Return of the Grill

After a much needed break from blog writing after suffering from a bad case of writers block I thought I would start up again. Some of you may laugh at the concept of writers block as it sounds as ridiculous as vegetarianism, but I assure you it is actually a serious condition. Just look what happened in the Shining! With the help of a run that requires as much work as a dude playing a corpse on CSI I am hoping to make a return that rivals Eminem in 8 mile.

I am currently working on a couple of blogs including a new fast food blog, an African and potentially Ireland food blog from my recent travels and a review of a restaurant in New Plymouth. I also must include any free food provided at a medical event as that is the meat and veg of Gregs Grilling. It also would be great to keep the food challenges going so would appreciate any suggestions for challenges. I am open to anything involving food although I usually stop at shelving. In my new found freedom of 6^th year I also am hoping to add a few new features, which will appear soon!

New post won’t be long away.

Cheers

Larry

Topomax

Today an interesting gentleman was in the practice promoting some sort of wonder drug for those moaners who get migraine headaches. He was interesting because he was clearly from Ireland with a stereotypical accent which made for an amusing pitch. I could not take the guy seriously. His accent instantly made me think of leprechauns dancing around drinking Guinness. If his pitch was in the form of an Irish pub jingle with a bit of highland dancing involved it would have been greatly improved.

Anyway after my initial amusement at the Irish man I moved onto the main motivator behind my presence in the staff room-the free food. On offer today were Afghans the size of Frisbees, a sample of fruit, some basic club sandwiches and a variety of cheese and crackers. No Guinness on offer, nothing green. This guy wasn’t doing himself any favours. I tried all the cheeses and was impressed with the variety on offer-some camembert, blue cheese and some other random cheese I didn’t know. The Afghans had sacrificed taste for size proving the age old cliché that size doesn’t always matter. The sandwiches were your typical free morning tea/lunch ones of which you can always seem to eat about 8 of them with no satisfaction.

So a standard lunch provided by the Topomax Irish man. I think because of the variety they are ahead of the fibrate company but due to its lack of glamour it does not overtake Crestor which is still leading.

The list now.

1. Crestor

2. Topoxax

3. The Fibrate company

Pharmacy company challenge

Crestor and the fibrate company

A free feed that used to make me cum in my pants at the Wellington clinical school would barely give me a semi now after being in the Rural programme. I have had so many fantastic free feeds I literally didn’t know where to start in regards to reviews. Instead I thought I would try something different and rate the food provided by the drug companies..

Oh the joys of drug companies. They may be a pain in the arse with their endless jabbering about patient outcomes or whatever but they do usually put on a good feed. They also give you free shit like staplers so not all is bad. I thought it was a good thing to start a ranking system between the drug companies on the basis of the free food that they provide. I aim to motivate the companies to provide practices with a higher quality of food which may in turn lead to their drug being prescribed. Hopefully I will get enough of these feeds to create a decent competitive list between the companies and host a masterchef show where drug reps are the contestants. The reps will be able to see this list in the Masterton Medical centre when there is enough on it.

The way a company will rank higher on this list will be if they provide food that is original, tasty and presented satisfactory. We are dealing with real Doctors now so they better have their shit together.

Since starting at the centre I have had two reps visit both providing food. The first company was trying to sell a new state of the art cholesterol drug which had fewer side effects apparently. I can’t prescribe anything so the reps marketing pitch was as useful as a new box of condoms in this town. I was also too busy sussing out the food on offer.

There were ham and cheese croissants, filled wholemeal rolls with either roast beef or ham, swirly buns with chocolate chips and Danishes. No drinks, no fruit, no staplers. The croissants were tasty but they could have been a bit more inventive with them. Ham and cheese is what I would expect from a flat in Dunedin. The rolls were satisfactory. Had lettuce meat and cheese with a bit of sauce but it was like a Pak and save roll not a New World roll.

The Danishes looked like they had a raw egg on them which intrigued me rather than repulse me. It did not taste of egg but just like a sweet apricot Danish but again just standard Danish nothing special.

The second company would have performed a lot better if they went to a kindergarden or a rest home at afternoon tea time. It was all sweet stuff-gingerbread men, ginger kisses, fudge and some cake with some grapes on the side. This was all on one plate, who did they think they are? Coming to a medical centre with one plate of food all in the sweet category! Would it kill them to have some chicken pasties or some crazy savoury dish as well? Plus they had two things in their already limited selection containing ginger. It likes serving potato bake with a side of mash potato to the flatties. Despite the narrow selection the stuff on offer was very tasty, and the staffs were particularly amused by the gingerbread men. I was not amused.

Since these are the first two drug companies feeds I have encountered there will be only a first and second place for today. So top of the list today will be Crestor and second will be the fibrate company. Crestor had more on offer and their food was presented nicer than the fibrate company who seem to have a shortage of plates.

The list so far

1. Crestor

2. Fibrate company (sorry will get the proper name soon)

Sorry for the delays between blogs I have been suffering from a bad case of writers block.

Larry